There are few things in this world that I can truly say have power over my life and the way that I live it. I come from a loving family and have a great support system through friends and my church. However, I am faced with a crippling addiction that seemed to sneak up on me.
I understand that when we hear the word addiction, we automatically assume drugs, pornography or some other form of harmful substance that seems to take over the lives of so many otherwise good men. However, I am not talking about an addiction to any of these things. My addiction is to money. Allow me to give you a brief history into my addiction.
When I was young, my father was a pastor in a small town in Michigan. He worked hard at what he did, harder than a lot of men we knew because he was so passionate about sharing Christ. At the same time, my mother was a teacher at a small Christian school as well as a secretary to my father. We lived in the parsonage next to the church, which was great because it was included in my father’s benefits, so we didn’t have to pay for a house. However, even with free housing, it was often times hard to make ends meet.
I remember hearing my mother talk about bills and how they always seemed to exceed our income every month. How the taxman was coming to get us, as if he was the boogieman, and how our bills would have to be paid out of our “food money”. God always seemed to provide for our needs, but that was just it, our needs were met, but anything beyond that was rare.
Our Christmases were always big though; I guess when you’re younger, toys are cheaper. I know my parents wanted to give us the world. They sacrificed everything they had just to give us what we desired. I truly have the best parents in the world. As time progressed and we (my two brothers and I) got older, my parents slowly began to become better off financially. Even so, I told myself throughout my entire life that I never wanted to be poor again. Ever.
So back to my original statement; I am addicted to money. I majored in Marketing in college. Not because I was interested in Marketing or that I knew I could use it to change the world, but because someone once told me that their “friend” majored in Marketing and is now making lots of money. This was the first of many life changing decision based solely on money.
In college, I would try all kinds of little schemes to make money. Once, I bought books back from tons of students for half of their actual value and sold them the same day online. I would always be thinking of ways to make money and in doing so, became what I considered pretty savvy t making a quick buck. However, I was also feeding an addiction that I wasn’t even aware I had.
Fast forward two years. I am working as a salesman (and a pretty good one at that) in Indianapolis, making more money than 90% of people my age and living a life of luxury. (luxury is a relative term, so by this, I mean that it was luxurious for a normal twenty five year old man) I had what seemed to be the perfect life.
I had a healthy bank account(s) and plenty of friends. I had over 100K in student loans, but those were in deferment, so it was as if they didn’t even exist (Temporarily). I was able to buy almost anything I wanted (within reason) and never had a financial concern. This all seemed amazing, but I was still oblivious to my addiction and it would take some hard times for me to discover that the addiction existed.
I was working as a salesman for a great company. I had full benefits on top of the amazing pay. However, one thing that they don’t share with you in college is that when you get a new job, you only have a limited time (often just two weeks) to enroll in your health benefits. I was not aware of this and missed the open enrollment. I’m not one to really get sick, so I figured as long as I didn’t break my arm or get cancer, I would be okay.
In July of 2010, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. A form of cancer that is (Thank God) curable with Chemotherapy. Without health insurance, I was facing one of the most stressful times of my life.
The diagnosis was a very long process that had me going to a different doctor for different tests and such for a long time. This was a very expensive process that actually caused me to empty all of my savings and checking accounts. I had become virtually broke.
The treatments were very hard on me both physically and mentally. However, with such an addiction to money, I couldn’t even think about the cancer because I was so concerned about my finances. In fact, I never once cried because I had cancer or because I had to endure the hardest treatments imaginable. I cried because I had lost all of my money and I still didn’t know how I was going to pay for everything.
In November of 2010, my mother cooked a large meal for a fundraiser at our church in Michigan. We raised over $3,000.00 and God truly blessed the entire effort. I took this money and placed it into my savings account while the bills kept adding up. I was waiting for a specific bill to come and I was going to put pay it off. In the mean time, I had to apply for Medicaid.
By the time I had everything together to apply for Medicaid, it was year-end. I sent in my application only to get rejected (twice) because I had more than $1,500 in my bank account. Having the money from the fundraiser in my account caused me to lose any and all help from the government. So, I was now completely hopeless. At least I had an income (disability) and was able to pay my bills, but soon the bills would become overwhelming.
Yesterday, I got the mail and found $27,000.00 worth of medical bills and two letters from attorneys stating lawsuits against me. I am not through with this battle, but God has provided more than enough for me to pay for my living expenses, and I know that He will provide a way for me to get through this. Sometimes God’s plan is so different than mine, that it scares me.
I tell you all of this because I wonder if this is what God is using to break me of my addiction to money. I had everything and with one diagnosis, I lost everything. Because of the medical bills going unpaid, I can surely count on a bankruptcy in the near future. I had an almost perfect credit score before this and now, not only will I not have money in the bank, but also, I will have a very poor credit score to top it off. I believe there is something in God’s plan for this.
I created an idol out of money. I wanted so badly to not be poor, that I placed it above anything or anyone else in my life. I believe that God is breaking me down and allowing for everything to be taken from me for a reason. He is breaking me of my addiction and showing me what is important. This is the hardest place I have ever been.
Tonight in church, my pastor (also my brother) spoke about letting go. He said that we all have something in our lives that we hold on to so hard, that we are blinded from the life we could have. For me, it was my addiction to money. I hardly enjoy my day-to-day life because of this cloud. I am simply not strong enough to continue holding on to this addiction.
Tonight, I handed over everything to God. I told him that I am no longer going to focus on money. If He desires that I have wealth on earth, He will provide. I gave up trying to control the medical bills, the credit scores, everything. It is now in his hands and tonight, for the first time in over seven months, I am going to sleep well knowing that I will no longer worry about wealth. Besides, when I’m gone from this planet, who will care about my wealth? Certainly not me!
