For much (all) of my adult life following college I have pursued selfish desires. I had a basic idea of how my life would look and I did what I had to to achieve it.
Before I go any further, please take a moment and read my previous blog post. This will help inform you on my background and why I'm here in Michigan today.
I'll wait...
I moved in with my parents in Michigan from the city of Indianapolis. I had crazy amounts of medical debt from the cancer and I needed to come back and get my life back in order.
...Okay, now that you have an understanding of my past, let me explain to you where I believe God has me.
In the Bible, you will find the story that we all grew up hearing. About a man whom Jesus had called to go to a place called Nineveh and preach repentance. Nineveh was an evil place and Jonah knew it would be scary and uncomfortable. Nineveh was the last place he ever wanted to go. So he skipped out, fell from a ship and yada yada yada, he was swallowed by a whale. He remained in the belly of the whale for three days until he cried to God for repentance and gave him praise. The whale vomited Jonah onto dry land where he promised to obey God from now on.
I'm in the belly of the whale...
I have no idea what God is calling me to do. I didn't have a clue when I was living in Indianapolis either. I am starting to believe that maybe God has been calling me to do something, but my selfish desires are getting in the way. Maybe there was something in my life preventing me from hearing His call.
I wonder if maybe I went the opposite direction and now have to be swallowed by the whale until I can figure it out.
When I moved to Michigan, I assumed it would be 3 weeks to a month tops and I'm still here. I have cried to God begging for answers with nothing but silence in return.
Michigan is very lonely. I am self employed and am 28 years old. I have gone to many places seeking new friends, but have ended with not even one. I have no idea where someone in my place meets people.
If you know me at all, you know that I live for social interaction. I am always trying to get people together and have fun.
Today I was at Starbucks, the same Starbucks I've been going to for 8 months. Matt, the barista greeted me by name and made small talk. It was at this point that I realized that Matt the barista was my closest friend in Michigan and I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!
Don't worry, I am not socially inept enough to tell him that. "Matt, I just wanted you to know that you're my closest friend....and I barely know you." (I imagine me saying this with a whisper) haha
Anyhow, it's almost 3AM and I can't sleep. This entire post is just babel, but I wanted to type out this thought process.
I want to be spit out onto dry land so bad. I have prayed for God to deliver me and yet he still has me waiting. I can't know his thoughts, I can't know his plans, I can only beg for mercy.
Like Jonah, I must have tried my own plans for too long. Perhaps God has something so big, I can't comprehend it.
Or...perhaps this is it. Perhaps God's plans simply aren't as glamourous as mine. My life goals have certainly shrank. I no longer plan on having anything I wanted or expected (wife, house, kids, ect.)
For every desire I had, there has been a clear road block.
The inside of this whale is starting to stink.
My prayer is that God will reveal to me what it is exactly He wants. Why I can't be like everyone else and have a house, family or whatever.
PLEASE don't take this post as a plea for pity or to make you feel bad for me. That's not at all my intention. I just have a lot of thoughts right now and obviously no one to share them with.
Thanks for reading my babel,
-Joe
